Iam Coulter - Musings
Tonight I was sensing some old negative patterns,
feeling me out a bit, testing for weak spots in my resolve.
How can a single day move between such extremes? I was feeling self conscious, judging myself as less deserving of this mornings happiness because, this evening, my feelings weren't what I wanted them to be.
My feelings weren't what I imagined others expected them to be,
and so, I must be fucking up.
I went on facebook, looking for signs of hope that I'm not failing at Life.
Then this little rascal in the photo popped up on my feed,
and immediately - instinctively I thought:
Not the text. The little girl.
I saw myself, the me behind my eyes, and it made me smile.
I felt better, safer. I felt proud.
I guess I felt 'self love'.
I'm uncomfortable sharing moments of self love because I often equate self confidence with shame. Crazy as it seems when I actually articulate it - I know it's true.
If I admit to you that I see myself reflected in this little bundle of ass kickery - you could think I'm arrogant. Delusional.
What is that?
Why do I think loving myself will make you love me less?
Why do I believe that I have to NEED your love, to deserve it?
There's something in that. Something for me and my 'leather couch'.
That would mean in order to deserve love, I have to need love.
In order to need love, I have to LACK love.
In order to LACK love, I must not love myself.
In order to not love MYSELF -
I have to believe that I'm not worthy of love.
To believe THAT, I have to tell myself:
"You're wrong, stupid, selfish, lazy, broken, needy, pathetic, ugly..."
"...I could accuse me of such things
that it were better my mother had not borne me"
William Shakespeare - Hamlet
When I saw myself in the picture, recognizing my wild joyful spirit in this little girls gleaming face, I literally began to feel myself starting to heal.
That rare moment of genuine, unapologetic self love,
was potent enough to help build strength in those 'weak spots'.
I need to teach myself, that I am worth fighting for
that I don't have to be perfect
that I don't have to be wrong
that I don't have to fall down
to deserve a helping hand up.
It was important to write it down, before I forget.
I don't always see the whole picture.