Iam Coulter - Musings

 

Tonight I was sensing some old negative patterns,

feeling me out a bit, testing for weak spots in my resolve. 

 

How can a single day move between such extremes? I was feeling self conscious, judging myself as less deserving of this mornings happiness because, this evening, my feelings weren't what I wanted them to be.

Correction.

My feelings weren't what I imagined others expected them to be,

and so, I must be fucking up. 

I went on facebook, looking for signs of hope that I'm not failing at Life.

Then this little rascal in the photo popped up on my feed,

and immediately - instinctively I thought:

"That's me!" 

Not the text. The little girl. 

I saw myself, the me behind my eyes, and it made me smile.

I felt better, safer. I felt proud. 

 

I guess I felt 'self love'. 

 

I'm uncomfortable sharing moments of self love because I often equate self confidence with shame.  Crazy as it seems when I actually articulate it - I know it's true.

 

If I admit to you that I see myself reflected in this little bundle of  ass kickery - you could think I'm arrogant. Delusional.

 

What is that?

 

Why do I think loving myself will make you love me less?

Why do I believe that I have to NEED your love, to deserve it? 

 

There's something in that. Something for me and my 'leather couch'. 

 

That would mean in order to deserve love, I have to need love.

In order to need love, I have to LACK love.

In order to LACK love, I must not love myself.

In order to not love MYSELF -

I have to believe that I'm not worthy of love.

To believe THAT, I have to tell myself:

 

"You're wrong, stupid, selfish, lazy, broken, needy, pathetic, ugly..."

 

"...I could accuse me of such things

                            that it were better my mother had not borne me" 

                                                                                       William Shakespeare - Hamlet

 

When I saw myself in the picture, recognizing my wild joyful spirit in this little girls gleaming face, I literally began to feel myself starting to heal.

That rare moment of genuine, unapologetic self love,

was potent enough to help build strength in those 'weak spots'.

 

I need to teach myself, that I am worth fighting for

 that I don't have to be perfect

 that I don't have to be wrong

 that I don't have to fall down

 to deserve a helping hand up.

 

It was important to write it down, before I forget.

 

I don't always see the whole picture.

 

Iam Coulter

                           

 

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