Noone is more suprised than I am.
In the theatre, particularily for a woman in the profession, opportunities are far and few between. This scarcity can breed frustration, self doubt and depression. It's agonizing to feel that my creative potential is wasting away, suffering negect, and worst of all, leaving my life's purpose unfulfilled.
Earlier this year, after returning home from a rare and wonderful opportunity which I had hoped would lead to others - I was disappointed not to be seeing any 'others' on the horizon.
My mom (who has always been artistic - most recently focusing her talent on painting) offered my hubby and I a private painting workshop.
I have always loved colour so playing with her rainbow of supplies was fun and relaxing. I felt utterly free from the weight of judgement. I didn't expect anything more from myself than I would from a pre-schooler playing with finger paints. It was just play. There was nothing to lose.
The painting I did that night is the one pictured on this page. To me, it feels wild, free and unapologetic - exactly how I felt while painting it.
What happened next was a suprise to all of us. I deliberately chose to give myself the gift of freedom. Freedom to play, freedom to fail. Fear of failure has had a negative impact on my life so far. It has only ever served to hold me back. I recognized painting as a way for me to face old demons and change 'old stories'.
So I painted, and I immediately shared my work - good, bad or ugly (all three apply) before fear of judgement has time to take hold. I could do that because I knew I wouldn't be disappointing anyone. Noone expected me to be a great painter - so how could I possibly fail?
In five months I've rarely gone more than a day or two without painting, taking energy and inspiration from the sheer pleasure of finding a new idependant way to express myself.
My artistic soul no longer feels like a neglected dog, chained to the fence, not understanding why it has been abandoned by the pack.
Dreaming of the day it will be free to run wild again.
Painting invites me to run wild and play. Somedays it's all sunshine and summer breezes, and some days it rains, leaving things wet and muddy.
rain or shine
when I paint
I am free.